Jokes Jokes Jokes! The Ultimate Collection Of The BEST Dad Jokes 2024!

🎉 Get ready to laugh out loud with the most side-splitting dad jokes of 2024! Share the laughter with your friends and family! 😂 #DadJokes2024 #HumorHeals #JokesJokesJokes

Winona, Minnesota – Jokes jokes jokes! Get ready to groan, chuckle, and roll your eyes as we present the cream of the crop in dad humor. These have been named the BEST dad jokes for 2024. These jokes, puns, and one-liners are sure to elicit a smile or a facepalm from even the most stoic individuals. Dads around the world have been honing their comedic skills, and we’ve gathered the best of the best for your enjoyment.

Jokes Jokes Jokes! The BEST Dad Jokes in 2024

Did you hear the story about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed some space.

My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.
I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!

The wedding was so beautiful.
Even the cake was in tiers.

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!”

Why did the coffee call the police?
It got mugged.

Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines!

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.

I tried to catch fog yesterday.
Mist.

How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it’d be a foot.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

Why are there so many different kinds of pasta?
If I had a penne for every time I asked myself this question.

RIP, boiled water.
You will be mist.

I lost 25% of my roof last night…oof.

Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark Hives.

What genre are national anthems?
Country.

Wife: “How do I look?”
Husband: “With your eyes.”

What is Forrest Gump’s email password?
1forrest1.

That’s a pretty good ceiling.
It’s not the best, but it’s up there!

I bought a dog from a locksmith.
The second I got him in the house he made a bolt for the door.

eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
… but then I turned myself around.

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter.
“That’s one too many!” says the customer. The clerk replies “It’s a freebie.”

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
You might not believe me, but I saw it with my own eyes.

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

What happened to the exorcist’s car?
It got repossessed.

There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Phillipe Floppe.

What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?

Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy ducks.

What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

Why don’t dinosaurs talk?
Because they’re dead.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta-way.

I hate Russian dolls.
They’re so full of themselves.

I sold my vacuum the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For drizzle.

Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?
Mount Rushmore.

I like elephants.
Everything else is irrelephant.

I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I’m ok.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Did you adopt your dog?
No, he’s my biological dog.

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

Five guys walk into a bar.
You think one of them would’ve seen it.

I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.
Do not read it.

Why do you tell actors to break a leg?
Every play has a cast.

I bought the newlyweds an elephant for their room.
They said, “Thank you.” I said, “Don’t mention it.”

What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.

I started a new job as a tailor last week.
It’s been sew-sew.

Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish.

How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.

Why do fish live in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
Satisfactory.

My new thesaurus is terrible.
Not only that, but it’s also terrible.

Someone stole my mood ring.
I don’t know how I feel about that.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.

Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.

Name one fragrance commercial that has ever made sense.
What are you talking about, they all make scents!

A man walks into a library and asks, “Do you sell any books on paranoia?”
The librarian says, “They’re right behind you!”

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the “no-bell” prize.

How do you talk to Italian ghosts?
With a Luigi board.

Why do you never see cows hiding in trees?
Because they’re pretty good at it.

A professional limbo player walks into a bar.
He loses.

Have you heard of Murphy’s Law? Ok, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly-sliced cabbage.

Are you feeling cold?
Sit in the corner, it is 90 degrees.

I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.
Never again.

If you’re American when you go in the bathroom…
… and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
European.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.

Two cows are grazing in a field. One says to the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says, “Why would I care? I’m an airplane.”

Nurse: Blood type?
Dad: Red.

What did The Rock say when the waiter offered him a box for his leftovers?
I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it.

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

This library has two stories.
You can hardly call it a library.

Two windmills are standing on a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite type of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
“Oops!”

Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Three fish are in a tank.
One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

This is your captain speaking.
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Actually, it’s more of a wrap.

I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married.
The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderwear.

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?
The cow’s got the udder.

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

You want to go down to the bar to hear that band called Duvet?
They’re a cover band.

The only thing flat earthers have to fear…
…is sphere itself.

What kind of shoes do robbers wear?
Sneakers.

Two men meet on opposites sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me to get to the other side!”
The other guy shouts, “You are on the other side!”

What do you call a magician who lost their magic?
Ian.

What did the frustrated cat say?
Are you kitten me right meow?

Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.

What was the frog’s job at the hotel?
Bellhop.

What did the swordfish say to the marlin?
You’re lookin’ sharp.

Today I gave my dead batteries away.
They were free of charge.

I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.

What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad.

What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes?
Corny.

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.

Where can you buy soup in bulk?
The stock market.

What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt.

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A receding hare line.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.

Did you know Jesus drove a Honda but just didn’t talk about it?
John 12:49: “For I did not speak of my own accord.”

What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

Why did the chicken marry the crocodile?
Because crocodooladoo is a good family name.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

When you look really closely…
…all mirrors look like eyeballs.

You’re not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.

Have you heard the one about the jump rope?
Never mind, skip it.

Parent to her friend: “I’m exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m.”
Friend: “It’s probably not good to keep a baby up that late.”

How do you stop a bull from charging?
Cancel its credit card.

Want to hear a roof joke?
This one’s on the house.

Do you use your right hand to stir your coffee?
I use a spoon.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts.

Conclusion

As we wrap up this journey through the world of dad jokes, we hope you’ve had a good laugh and maybe even found a few new favorites to add to your repertoire. Need more funnies? Taylor Swift and Beyonce to the rescue! Remember, the beauty of dad jokes lies in their simplicity and the way they bring people together through shared laughter. So, go ahead and share these gems with your friends and family, and keep the tradition of dad humor alive and well in 2024 and beyond.

🗣 Which of these dad jokes made you LOL? Have a clean funny of your own you’d like to share? We’d LOVE to hear from you in the comments section below. ⬇️

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